you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
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please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Text me some of your sweat
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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