i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
