So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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