you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
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his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
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He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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