did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
