Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
