i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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