Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
