sarcasm needs its own font
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
