The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
