My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
