Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
