is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
