If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
