Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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