I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
