started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
