I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
