did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
