ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
