she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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