just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
