When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
