i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
