He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
