would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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