i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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