I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
