I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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