It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
