Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
