Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
