Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
