a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
