this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
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I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
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I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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