I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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