I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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