you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
a search helicopter?!
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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