You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize