i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize