Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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