I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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