i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
