Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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