I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
