I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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