rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
