He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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