I met the friendliest cop last night
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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