I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
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So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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