She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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