i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
