i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
