i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
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