ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
