why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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