So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
